I am run by the tiniest flicker in my mind

Do I get a popup on save?    

I can not believe Ali is only 18 days old. It seems like she's always been in my life; there's a temporary block on my short-term memory without her around (either in Kathy or after birth).

I love my daughter so much. It's a totally irrational love because she doesn't do anything except poo and sleep; but my love is unconditional for her. The moment I held her for the first time my entire paradigm shifted; I was no longer the center of my life. My hopes and dreams all revolve around her now and my focus at work has increased dramatically because I am so driven to succeed for HER and not for me. It's indescribabe.

It's been an awesome eighteen days; but MAN it's a lot harder than I thought! No one bothered to tell me that newborn babies wake up every two hours to feed, so that was an unwelcome surprise :P. I haven't gotten more than five hours of sleep a night since she's been here, it was really taxing on my body (and my nerves) at the beginning, but now my body is adjusting.

My guy friends warned me, "Dude, diapers are gonna suck!" but those aren't that bad. Maybe I just have a high tolerance for for obscenely bad odors and poo-stained baby bottoms?

I can summarize life as a father in one word: selfless. I no longer even have the *option* of just caring about my own needs now that she's here! It's great, I love it! I highly recommend it to everyone; it'll change you for the better or break you (most likely both, honestly). 

On March 3rd, 2008 my life changed forever. At 4:39pm my daughter Alexandria Victoria joined us, healthy and weighing in at a plump 9lbs 7oz. Of course, those facts just tell the end result, the full story is so rich and full of memories!
At 7am (almost on the dot) on Sunday morning (March 2) Kathy woke up thinking she had to go the bathroom and was met with a gush - her water broke! She woke up with a joyful, "Alex! Alex! My water just broke, oh my gosh! oH MY GOSH!" We both sat there for a second staring at each other with this look of "this is really happening??". A couple hours went by and Kathy hadn't had any contractions, we were starting to get a little antsy. Kathy knew she had a long, hard day ahead of her so she suggested we got get some Jamba Juice so she get a nutritous, easily digested meal before the long, hard delivery process began. On the way to Jamba Juice we picked up her mom and brother; headed to Jamba Juice and came back to the house. On the way back to the house she started to get some very minor contractions. We pulled up to the house, clicked the garage opener button, and...nothing. Hit the button again. Nothing. We didn't bring the set of keys with the house keys on it because we were in such a rush to get out the door, and it's never been a problem before. Come to find out the power to the entire neighborhood was out, so we were locked out of our house!!! On the day that Kathy is giving birth (at home!) we were locked out!! So I took Kathy and her mom to a local coffeehouse so she could sit in a comfortable chair and I took Jimmy with me to Wal-Mart to buy a tool to break into the small side door on our garage. As we were checking out, the cashier looked at us with suspicion: "Ma'am, I'm buying this wrecking bar to break into MY house...my wife is in labor right now, and..." She interrupted, "Y'know what? I don't wanna know!" We completed the purchase, picked up the women and headed back to the house. At the last possible second (after two unsuccessful attempts) the garage door opened and we were able to walk in without causing any permanent damage. Whew!
Kathy took a seat on our recliner and the contractions really started kicking in. Her friends Jenna and Christin were there to encourage her and help her keep her mind off the pain. Hours went by...more people trickled in, we watched some Friends episodes, Kathy baked brownies (yes, while she was in labor Kathy was baking to occupy her mind). I was having a harder time with the impending birth than Kathy was, I was really stressing out! Kathy was calm, and every five to seven minutes she'd stop what she was doing, take some deep breaths and continue on. It was amazing, she was so strong!! Things started getting really interesting around nine PM, when Kathy's midwife showed up.
Justine Backhaus was our midwife, her job is to be there for Kathy during labor to guide, comfort and encourage her. She gave Kathy some tips and left shortly after she arrived because Kathy wasn't that far along in her pregnancy. Justine encouraged me and Kathy to rest; she had been in labor for approximately 12 hours by this point. Me and Kathy laid down to rest, and the contractions started to get really intense. Kathy couldn't sleep if she wanted to, even though she was starting to get exhausted. The contractions got more and more intense; one particular contraction caused her to break the tank of our toilet (bad timing for the contraction to come...). We were instructed to call Justine when the contractions were coming one on top of the other, that would be a sign that things had progressed to the point where it would be almost time to get in the tub. We called Justine around midnight, informing her that the milestone had been reached. By the time Justine got back, she checked Kathy and gave us demoralizing news: Kathy hadn't made any progress in the last 4 hours. Kathy was exhausted, and this news broke her spirit. Justine tried to assure Kathy that she could do this; and I urged her to press on. We re-arranged the bed to make it more condusive for Kathy to rest and be in a good position for the inevitable contractions. Kathy pressed on, and went through five more hours of intense contractions. By this time (7am) she had been in labor for almost 24 hours, had thrown up twice, and her body was beginning to shut down. She couldn't hold down food or liquid, and Justine told me privately that if we didn't see fast progress soon we would have to go the hospital. At this point Kathy refused to give up, fighting through every contraction and doing her best to stay positive. Around 11am another midwife came to assist Justine, and Kathy's body was spent. She could barely keep her eyes open; the only time she looked at me was to express pain. Her eyes screamed "Help me!" and there was absolutely nothing I could do. I began to emotionally break down; excusing myself to the restroom to cry in private. My wife was doing the best she could, but she was going through so much.
One o'clock rolled around, and things were nearing the end. Kathy couldn't take it any more, and her body was still rejecting any nourishment. Justine couldn't insert the IV correctly so we couldn't give Kathy nutrients at all. At this rate, she wasn't going to make it to delivery. Around 3:30pm me and Kathy accepted the inevitable and prepared to go to the hospital. As Kathy was being assisted by her friends and the midwives, I wept in my mom's arms. I was broken.
I drove Kathy to the hospital and we pulled in around 4pm. We were quickly admitted and a nurse came in to check on Kathy. This nurse was cruel and rough, mocking our choice to try and have the baby at home while checking Kathy's dilation with no tenderness or concern for her pain. Kathy was 8cm dilated; this baby was coming quickly. An IV was inserted into Kathy's hand so she could have nourishment and Kathy immediately got a second burst of energy - she could do this! Fifteen minutes after arrival we were wheeled into the delivery room. The room quickly filled with nurses getting ready to catch the baby. Kathy's legs were spread and bent, instrutions were given to grab the handles and lean forward. An oxygen mask was put on her face and all the nurses started shouting instructions. I stayed up by Kathy's head, my mouth inches from her ear and I was whispering encouragements and passing on the instructions to her as she continued on. The big moment came...a nurse called our doctor to inform him that Kathy was to the point of pushing.
Our doctor came in and calmly instructed Kathy to start pushing. Following his cue the nurses around us started shouting out the exact same instructions; which I whispered into Kathy's ear. It took her two attempts before she got the hang of the pushing thing; and she gave it her all. After only two they could see the baby's head, on the fourth her head was out and Ali joined us on the fifth push. We had been in the hospital for 39 minutes, and Ali was here. Kathy did it! No drugs, most of it at home. I was sooo proud! Ali was placed on Kathy's chest after she was cleaned off, and I snapped a picture with my cell phone.
Yay!

...I got into work today and a half-full (that's right, not half-empty you pessimists!) pack of gum was on my desk. I am trying very hard not to interpret that as a hint about my breath...

...just when you think you know someone they TOTALLY SHOCK YOU!!! ...in a good way...

...I'm going to be a father any day now. *faints*

...work is going incredibly well and it just keeps getting better.

...the simple things are complicated and the complicated things are incredibly simple

...I treasure my friends

...I don't have any enemies...that I'm aware of (if you are an enemy and you haven't announced yourself as such you're doing a really bad job of being an enemy of mine)...sweet!

...I'm fat

...be careful what you wish for (especially when you wish for so many money-making opportunities that you wouldn't know what do with yourself because I have too many money-making opportunities and now I'm swamped with responsibilities!)

...lolcats.com is great

...I still think Star Wars is stupid

...love has changed me...and that's ok...

...even with all the ups and downs I still love my family

...I still don't like dogs

...Kathy is beautiful, hot, amazing and... -rawr- ;)

Sex after marriage becomes a chore, and not an activity.

Sex in sin is so much funner than sex in a stable relationship because the "danger spark" goes away.

One of the most destructive qualities of mankind is our emotion; or rather how much the smallest thought can change our entire disposition in an instant. I was reminded of the insanely powerful effect my emotions have over me today: in one instant I was a giddy, excited about the day and feeling madly in love. The next tick of the second hand, in the time it took me to bat an eyelash, I was consumed with a raging fire of hatred. My facial expression turned to a frown, my happiness faded and my heart froze over - all in an instant.

When I get to Heaven, I'm going to ask God why He made me so passionate; because that's where emotions have effect on us. I know many different types of men, and many of them do not allow their emotions to override their logical reasoning; and the easiest explanation I've come up with for this is that they either do not experience emotions in the same intensity I do or they are not as passionate as I am. Either explanation works for me, but the fact remains that I live by the whims of my emotion. Do not take this to mean I have no control over them because the opposite is true; I did not let my anger ruin our day and I do not let my temper get the best of me. The power my emotions have on me can only take me so far, I am not possessed by their effects or follow their self-destructive paths.

Another side effect of emotions is that your capacity for all of them is affected by your allowance of one. For example, I could never get as angry as I can now; and that is only after I have allowed myself to love deeper than I ever have before. Removing my inhibitions for love created a chain reaction that allowed me to feel hate, sadness, happiness and affection in a capacity I have not known before. While some of these effects may be positive, it has its negative sides, as you can imagine.

Gaining control of our emotions is extremely important; but I do not thing we can dictate what emotions we feel at any given time. We are commanded to forgive wrongs done to us, but we are not commanded to remove all feelings about the offense (this is a side effect of forgiveness that takes time). If one surrenders themselves to feelings of desperation, loneliness, anger, or even love the effects will be disasterous and long-term. Don't believe me? Ask the man in prison for murder, the brokenhearted who allowed others use of their bodies to ease the pain, and the families of the teenager who committed suicide.

I don't understand why emotions have such a powerful effect on us; but they do.